Now, please, don't get me wrong. I enjoy my co-workers fully. But I'm not saying I haven't felt sick or angry when experiencing the following:
- Inner-office groomers. I understand we all try to look our best. But do you really not the time to clip your nails while at home? Everyone can hear the sound of your crazy clipping, even if your door is closed. The image of nails flying wildly around your office or cubicle does not amuse me. And so help me, if I ever find a nail clipping from you on my desk again, I'm going to feed it to you. I'm all for practicing good hygiene, but please, groom yourself at home.
- Stinky people. Speaking of grooming... Try it! Deodorant exists and it isn't that expensive. Use it. That's all I'm saying.
- On the other hand, too much smell good isn't good. We know you enjoy your perfume, but that doesn't mean the rest of us do... Leave something in the bottle...
- Germ Spreaders. We already don't get along I'm guessing, but should you be standing at my desk and feel the need to cough or sneeze, do what your 'momma taught ya' and cover your mouth!!! I have kleenex, ask for a couple or excuse yourself to another part of the building. I may begin to like you again if you decide that after you've coughed up a lung you want to wash your hands. (While we're on it... Wash your hands when you leave the restroom. DUH!)
- Loud eaters. I fully understand the need for a mid-afternoon snack of some candy or sunflower seeds, but my stomach turns every time I hear you crunch from across the room. Can you not hear yourself??? If you are unsure if you are crazy cruncher try this simple test. Chew on some sunflower seeds, or my personal favorite, jolly ranchers. Now look around. Has everyone with in a mile fled or put headphones on? Verified, you are obnoxious. FYI - gum chewers and 'poppers' fall in this category as well.
- Food thieves. I live an hour from work, unlike most of you, I don't have the convenience to go home for lunch so to be frugal, I put some items in the fridge that should last me a while and enable me to eat here. So I wonder, what make you think you are entitled to my purchases? I could understand if you thought it was community food. But I am the only person here named Kelly. So what's your excuse now? That's right, you don't have one. I always bring in food to share, generally it's much yummier than my light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Keep your grimy, food thieving hands off my stuff!
- Phone pests. Ok, everyone has lives outside of the office (at least I hope) but the rest of us don't care about the drama with your second cousin from who-knows-where or what ever it is growing on your big toe... Please remove yourself from the general area and carry that conversation on elsewhere. Also, speaker phone + same room = WHY!? Get off your lazy butt and go talk to the person. Or simply pick up the phone. The people not involved in the conversation all want to push you down the stairs for doing this multiple times a day.
- Signers. I don't know sign language. And clearly you don't either! If I am on the phone or talking with someone else, just wait. I don't know what kind of Helen Keller crap you're trying to pull, but you look ridiculous and are only irritating me.
- Nebby-nosers. (I can thank my grandma for that term.) These are the people who no matter what they may or may not be working on are engrossed in other peoples business. Seems like they are always there not only asking questions, but interjecting opinions when they aren't solicited. My voice is lowered for a reason, don't come hover so you can hear what I am saying. If it pertained to you, trust me, you would know about it.
- Whiners. We all hate Mondays and love Fridays. We would all prefer it to be sunny instead of snowing. What's that? Your foot hurts? You got no sleep last night? You need a vacation? We are all in the same boat. The only difference is we keep our mouths shut. We don't want to hear you complain every chance you get. Remember that story about the little boy who kept crying wolf? Yep, that's you and no one cares what you have to say any more.
- Tattle-tales. Just like in 2nd grade, no one liked the tattle-tale. And those principals haven't changed. We understand your dad owns the company, but we don't like it when we find out something we shared with you in confidence gets back to the boss. You need to decide how you want to appear to people. Right now, it's not looking good for you.
